That 1 big question!
So it’s time for one of those posts again *sigh*. After getting through what seemed like the longest month I have ever lived we are now half way through February and I’m no closer to answering that big question, and let me put this really bluntly, What the fuck am I doing with my life? (sorry Mum if your reading). Let’s be honest I thought by 28 I would have some of it figured out…yes I’m 28! That’s the part where you’re shocked because I don’t look a day over 20 *cough cough*. But seriously I keep waiting for that moment where it all sort of fits into place but as an ‘actor’ will that ever happen.
Basically a receptionist
At the moment I feel like I’m a receptionist and a very cynical one at that. I resent being nice to people that get their kicks from being rude to people that they think are below them. But let’s not get me started on that right now. I keep doing a job I don’t really like because there’s not many other options for an actor who wants to waltz around doing their own thing on their own schedule. You’re not very desirable when you basically say “I want to work when I want, do as little as possible and get paid as much as possible”. But that’s the truth! I am lucky that I have a temporary job where I get to sit down for most of the day in a relatively stress free environment and with little responsibility. So when you put it like that, why am I complaining?
The biggest issue I have with the job, and probably any job that isn’t ‘performing’, I feel like I’m wasting time. I’m literally watching my life tick by. And then I start down the path of beating myself up because I’m not being productive enough. I shouldn’t just sit there and read the daily mail, I should be being the most productive me possible. It’s currently 11:30 and I’ve already written one blog post and I’m on to my second but not everyday is like that. And with every blog post written I wonder if I’m neglecting my acting career.
I feel like I live in a constant state of guilt. Guilt for not being what I see as a success, guilt for not working hard enough, guilt for believing I might achieve my dreams. (I even feel guilty for writing this post). When I put it like that it really seems so dramatic. And I have to have a word with myself quite often and other people do too, to stop this nonsense. I’m pretty much always working on something especially with social media and my blog. I still have so much to learn when it comes to that so I’m always trying to figure out what I’m doing. But it never feels like its enough.
Who am I
I’m sorry, I’m so dramatic! I’m going to a musical theatre workshop this week to stand up in front of people and sing. And even though that’s a normal situation for me I’m nervous to go, I feel like a fraud. I feel like I’m on the outside looking in at a world I can’t reach let alone be part of. I might have studied for 3 years, lived and breathed dance and drama from the age of 2 and a half but I don’t feel like I’m the real deal. But how can anyone when they aren’t really doing what they love. Because that’s the confirmation I guess. Even though I had a great job last year I still didn’t feel like I could believe in myself.
Fake it till you make it
*I’m going to take a breath now*. So here’s when I say I’m going to fake it till I make it. And by that I mean fake my confidence, fake belonging and pretty much fake that I’ve got my shit together. Life wouldn’t be that entertaining if we knew what we were doing right? I go round in this never ending circle and I always end up back at the same point. Knowing I can’t give up, no matter how scared or unsure I am. No matter how bloody poor I might be. I have to keep going because I’ll regret it if I don’t. And Hey, I’ve got this far so maybe I’m doing something right?!
Not on my own
When you read this I hope you don’t think I’m some spoiled wannabe actor who feels sorry for themselves. I wanted to put these thoughts and feelings out there so maybe someone else who’s feeling like this knows their not alone. Because sometimes that’s all I want to know. And on my quest for positivity I think and hope this is a healthy step. Because there’s nothing wrong with the ugly truth of how we might feel sometimes. And I think in our culture its not glamorous or dare I say ‘cool’ to say it. But “There I’ve said it” (I don’t know why I just love to say that) and it’s very fitting. Sometimes you just need to get it off your chest, pick yourself up and get ready to start it all over again.
Do you have something that makes you doubt yourself? Or do you have any advice to stay confident?